The Ballad of Intruder Kitty

In a suburb of Canberra there's a chilly little house

Full of Betty and her family and a sometimes midnight mouse

The heating's really basic, nothing central, nothing ducted

And in a place like Canberra that's pretty bloody fuckeded.

It's messy and it's freezing and it has a tiny telly

And recently it's started to become a little smelly

The cause of the aroma (I confess it is a pity)

Is a fluffy Oscar lookalike who's called Intruder Kitty.

I don't know where he comes from and I don't know where he goes

But every time he visits us, my house is on the nose.

He sneaks in through the cat flap at odd hours of night and day

And steals the food from Betty's cats, then slyly sneaks away.

This fluffy little felon, this feline furry thief

Takes great delight in purloining their chicken and their beef

He gobbles all their bickies up, then leaves without a trace,

This bold Intruder Kitty is the scourge of Betty's place.

The thought of an intruder has made Oscar rather cross

He's gone all territorial to prove that he's the boss

But spraying all around the house has been to no avail

It hasn't stopped Intruder Cat, (but it has made Betty pale).

So clever vengeful Oscar did devise a cunning plot

To scare Intruder Kitty without fighting him a lot.

And poor unwitting Betty was a pawn in Oscar's scheme

Which involved the bathroom heater, and which turned poor Betty green.

Now, Canberra is chilly as I've told you all before

So there's a little heater that's on Betty's bathroom floor.

It makes the mornings bearable when temperatures are low

And to this very heater Oscar EvilCat did go.

He lifted up a fluffy leg and sprayed the heater well

So when poor Betty switched it on it amplified the smell

The pong of fan-forced Oscar piss is really rather whiffy

So Betty ran out screaming, closely followed by poor Miffy.

If you look closely you can see where Brave Sir Oscar sprayed all over my heater

Oh Oscar dear, your efforts to protect us are commended

But killing off my heater wasn't quite what you intended

Intruder Kitty wasn't fazed and came right back last night

And I'm now fifty bucks worse off, you dopey little shite.

Having said that, the new heater (placed up high, beyond the reach of territorial sprayings), puts out quite a decent amount of heat. The problem of Intruder Kitty, however, remains. Gas Mask, anyone?