Sunday, 18 July 2010

The Ballad of Intruder Kitty

In a suburb of Canberra there's a chilly little house
Full of Betty and her family and a sometimes midnight mouse
The heating's really basic, nothing central, nothing ducted
And in a place like Canberra that's pretty bloody fuckeded.

It's messy and it's freezing and it has a tiny telly
And recently it's started to become a little smelly
The cause of the aroma (I confess it is a pity)
Is a fluffy Oscar lookalike who's called Intruder Kitty.

I don't know where he comes from and I don't know where he goes
But every time he visits us, my house is on the nose.
He sneaks in through the cat flap at odd hours of night and day
And steals the food from Betty's cats, then slyly sneaks away.

This fluffy little felon, this feline furry thief
Takes great delight in purloining their chicken and their beef
He gobbles all their bickies up, then leaves without a trace,
This bold Intruder Kitty is the scourge of Betty's place.

The thought of an intruder has made Oscar rather cross
He's gone all territorial to prove that he's the boss
But spraying all around the house has been to no avail
It hasn't stopped Intruder Cat, (but it has made Betty pale).

So clever vengeful Oscar did devise a cunning plot
To scare Intruder Kitty without fighting him a lot.
And poor unwitting Betty was a pawn in Oscar's scheme
Which involved the bathroom heater, and which turned poor Betty green.

Now, Canberra is chilly as I've told you all before
So there's a little heater that's on Betty's bathroom floor.
It makes the mornings bearable when temperatures are low
And to this very heater Oscar EvilCat did go.

He lifted up a fluffy leg and sprayed the heater well
So when poor Betty switched it on it amplified the smell
The pong of fan-forced Oscar piss is really rather whiffy
So Betty ran out screaming, closely followed by poor Miffy.

If you look closely you can see where Brave Sir Oscar sprayed all over my heater

Oh Oscar dear, your efforts to protect us are commended
But killing off my heater wasn't quite what you intended
Intruder Kitty wasn't fazed and came right back last night
And I'm now fifty bucks worse off, you dopey little shite.

Having said that, the new heater (placed up high, beyond the reach of territorial sprayings), puts out quite a decent amount of heat. The problem of Intruder Kitty, however, remains. Gas Mask, anyone?

6 comments:

Patricia said...

Those Charnwood Kittehs are very cute, but Intruder Kitteh deserves the boot.

lemmiwinks said...

One of your best Betty :-D

andrewm said...

If you want to live long enough to write more 'catterel' you'll move that heater a LOT further away from the basin - I think the wiring rules say 600mm (2 feet) minimum for fixed appliances. And above tap level.

If you want a dog to deal with the intruder cat, I have several of the endlessly yappy type in my neighbourhood that I would cheerfully bag up and donate :-)

Sue said...

@Patricia - heh heh. If I can ever catch him he'll get the boot all right! Slippery little bugger...

@Andrew - I don't think there's anywhere else in the room that I can put it where it'll be safe from Oscar's territorial squirts. Can I say it's not fixed coz I can pick it up and move it anytime? PS re yappy dogs - thanks but no thanks! (that message from Miffy...)

knobdoodle said...

Ahh Sue; that was a total Joy to read.
I especially loved "This fluffy little felon, this feline furry thief" and it was capped off with Andrew's "catterel" comment.
I really don't visit here often enough.
Clem
(PS; I have to type "optizerc" before I can post. What kind of website needs me to pay homage to the optizerc?!!?)

knobdoodle said...

Ahh Sue; that was a total Joy to read.
I especially loved "This fluffy little felon, this feline furry thief" and it was capped off with Andrew's "catterel" comment.
I really don't visit here often enough.
Clem
(PS; I have to type "optizerc" before I can post. What kind of website needs me to pay homage to the optizerc?!!?)