Sunday, 8 April 2012

Discounts and dating dot com?

An online shopping site recently sent me a daily specials email promising ‘discounts and dating’. Huh?

It’s true. I read it twice, just to make sure. 

Dating sites are springing up like mushrooms in a damp cellar, based on your location, your looks (ugly people will be voted off by our members.com) your sexuality, your job (date a policeman!) and now, your online shopping behaviour. Honest. This one promises to match me with someone who has compatible shopping preferences. Again – huh? Hoping to lure customers with the prospect of true lurve via discount saucepans, sunglasses and Dora the Explorer backpack/lunchbox sets? Intriguing.

What would my profile say, based on my online purchases, I wonder? I’ve looked back over some of my online receipts for the past couple of years, and come up with this:

Betty is a real homebody who loves nothing more than whipping up delicious stews and casseroles (cast iron dutch oven, $49.95) under the stars (folding camp bed, $39.95). She likes variety in the bedroom (3x doona covers and sheet sets), despite being a bit of a nanna deep down (flannelette sheet set, $19.95). Not afraid to try new technology, she’s a cautious spender (el-cheapo Android tablet that died after 2 weeks $89.95) with an environmental conscience (el-cheapo mobile phone with solar recharger $19.95). On weekends you’ll find her sprawled in front of the tv ($429) with a glass of cheap red (case of wine $48, alco-meter $9.95), once she’s finished obsessively killing harmful bacteria and cleaning the house in a chemical-free way (el-cheapo steam cleaner that blew up on first use $29.95). She’s a hypochondriac (blood pressure monitor) who clearly doesn’t give a shit about her appearance (never buys clothes, shoes or accessories). Probably a lesbian (aftermarket motorcycle screen, magnetic cat-flap, bench-plane).

Golly, what a catch. Suitors will be queuing down the street and around the block! More excitingly, based upon those purchases, who/what on earth will my discount dates dot com come up with for me? 

I don't know about you, but when I'm shopping for a bargain, romance is the furthest thing from my mind. I doubt very much that Mr Right is going to be lurking behind a bagless vacuum cleaner with HEPA filter ($79.95) or a Funky Urban Shag Rug for under $50!


3 comments:

Tara said...

heheh you said shag rug!

Chillertek said...

Lol you sound so much more sexy now....
Haha I couldn't stop laughing, you come up with some funny shit sometimes.

AndrewM said...

Hilarious!