Not a lot of people know this, but I’ve had a lifelong struggle with my weight. I was a little chubby as a kid, and as a young teen I was a porky little short-arse with humungous boobs and thunder thighs. By the age of 17 I had tried just about every diet known to man, from starvation to semi-sensible.
I think I’ve been on one diet or another for about 35 years, and ranged from 48-72kgs during my adult life. Ugh! I showed my passport to an official in Portugal a few years ago and he was ready to call the guards because he couldn’t believe the nice slim lady in front of him (who had only one chin) was the same person as the fat blob in the passport pic (who had about 10). In the end I had to puff out my cheeks and parody my fat self before he would let me through.
Just when you think you’ve got it all under control, though, the universe pulls the rug out from under you. My recent diet of potato chips, rice and red wine has been lots of fun, it’s true, but I’ve had no exercise to speak of, unless it’s bending the elbow to shovel in another mouthful of chips. I’ve been too lazy to hop around the kitchen throwing meals together, so convenience food has become my friend.
I haven’t been game to hop on the scales, but I just know the news will be all bad. For a start, I’ve traded upper body blubber for hard, lean muscle (which weighs more than fat, right?) – but I have also watched as my belly, bum and thighs have grown dimples. DIMPLES! My bad leg has wasted away to a scrawny little chook leg, but I’ve more than made up for it by growing a thunder thigh on the other leg.
So today I’m amusing myself by remembering some of the dumb things I’ve done in the past to lose weight. Join me for the journey…
Starvation: Didn’t work. All I did was sleep.
“Limmits” biscuits (remember them?): They were so yummy that I ate a week’s worth in a day.
Salad, salad and more salad: I hate salad.
Acupuncture: made me wee a lot and impressed me so much I left the needle in place for weeks, and got an infection.
Israeli Army Diet: By Day 5 I was so weak I fell into my wardrobe one morning and couldn’t get out.
Food combining: antisocial rocket science. Forget it.
Atkins Diet: Ewwwwww, constipation is not your friend. Another antisocial diet! And the one time I “cheated” and had a tiny tiny 30 gram (1 ounce) sliver of cheesecake I gained 3kgs (that’s 6 ½ pounds!) overnight. How does THAT work?
Liver cleansing diet: Too much hard work. No red wine allowed.
South Beach Diet: Ditto.
Special diet shakes & diet plan: Sorry, when “6 almonds OR 2 brazil nuts” constitutes a “snack” I start to think that being a few kilos overweight isn’t so bad. I was hungry all the time. Hunger dooms a diet to failure.
Laxatives: A crappy idea *groan*.
Cabbage Soup diet: don't try this one with laxatives - it's antisocial enough!
Bulimia: beats anorexia, coz you get the food twice, (ugh, did I really say that?) but all that throwing up made my eyes water and my throat hurt.
I also contemplated weight loss tea, weight loss berries, weight loss meals, weight loss secrets (for only $59.95!), weight loss body wraps, weight loss mantras, weight loss miracles – you name it, I tried it (or at least thought about trying it!) I really have tried just about everything – everything except sensible balanced eating combined with exercise.
Guess what I’m going to try next?