According to Trinny & Susannah's Body Shape Calculator, I'm a Skittle. A shortish one. There are some things I should not ever wear - capri pants, wide belts, ankle strap shoes... that sort of thing. Thank God I'm a motorcyclist and I don't worry about any of that!
I have my summer bike gear and my winter bike gear - and all of it makes me look a bit like the Michelin Man! All that protective armour takes up space and adds unwanted inches all over the place. There's no point asking "Does my bum look big in this?" because there's only one answer when you're all geared up.
But I don't care that my bum looks the size of a small country in my protective pants - I want all the protection I can get if I go for a slide down the road on it!
And then there's helmet hair. There's no escaping it, although some lucky people don't seem to suffer from it as badly as others. Those people are inevitably men. Why is this so? Is male hair somehow genetically predisposed to come out of a long day inside a helmet looking good?
I suspect there really is a difference between boy hair and girl hair. This is the only explanation for the fact that boy haircuts only cost a fraction of what girl haircuts do.
Here's a true story. I asked a barber for a haircut once - short back and sides, I said. I don't cut women's hair, he said. I pointed at the bloke whose hair he'd just cut.
But I want a haircut just like that! I said.
He wouldn't do it. So I went to a hairdresser, got it cut super-short, paid the lady and went straight back to the barber. He took one look at my hair and said "Sheesh, if you'd told me that's what you wanted I could've done a better job."
He's lucky I wasn't PMSing.
I go to him now all the time. My hair is so fine and it grows in several different directions. It's plagued by cowlicks. The barber agrees that for me, shorter is better - especially as I'm always sticking my head into a helmet. He is a whiz with the scissors - a proper old style barber - and he cuts my hair just the way I want it!
Now I can forget to comb my hair and no-one can tell the difference! I can ride all day and my hair looks the same at the end of the day as it did at the beginning!
I save heaps on hair product, coz I just don't use it - and because I hardly have any hair, I hardly use any shampoo! WIN-WIN!
Don't I look like a boy though? I guess not - the bumps on the front help - and those special bum-enhancing padded pants would give just about any girl "childbearing hips"!
I love my gear!