Tuesday, 27 January 2009

More random thoughts on crutches

Forearm crutches are more comfortable than underarm crutches. The technique required to drive them is a little different, though, and very unsettling at first.

Uphill on crutches with a full backpack is harder than downhill with an empty one.

My local shops are over 500 (I lost count) crutch hops from my gate.

Walking to the shops and back is a better workout than you'd get at any gym. Especially in 33-degree heat (that's 33 degrees Celsius...) which adds a sauna dimension to your workout.

Such a workout should only be attempted once, just to prove something to yourself (to prove what? That you're an idiot?)

Going to the loo on crutches at night is very difficult. Cats tend to sprawl on the floor and in doorways in the dark.

Cats make a very loud noise when you poke them with a crutch in the dead of night.

Cats are a death trap.

No matter how difficult it is to get around on crutches, crawling on hands and knees is worse for anybody over about 12 months of age. Baby knees crawl, grown up knees creak and bruise.

Stairs are a death trap.

If you're on crutches it probably means you aren't riding a motorbike around. Have that glass of wine with lunch! (just one – wine and crutches don't mix very well.)

Using crutches develops your brain. You find new and interesting ways to do things that have suddenly become impossible.

Bathrooms are a death-trap.

Gardening, far from being the therapeutic activity it once was, becomes an exercise in frustration. Multiple kinks in a 30 metre hose can induce apoplexy in a very short time. Weeds will always be just out of reach.

Everything – everything – takes ten times longer on crutches. The exception to this is the rate at which your bladder fills.

When you only wear one shoe and one sock you discover that a pair of socks lasts twice as long, but the same doesn't go for shoes.

If crutches can fall over and land in hard-to-reach places, they will.

The toilet is a death-trap.

Getting ice-cube trays full of water from the sink to the freezer gives new meaning to the expression aaaaaaargh!

Oh, one more – crutches aren't just for walking. They're also for opening/closing doors and gates, lifting dropped things, switching on lights that are several feet away, pulling things towards you, tripping people up, pushing things away from you, poking cats... the list goes on.

Amazing things, crutches.

1 comment:

keryna said...

You are too funny! Thanks for that handy-dandy converter on your blog. Now I know just how CRAZY you are! Rest up and keep out of the heat. Crutches are "fun" enough without adding in heat stroke :)